Scientists HATE her one weird trick: planetary salvation via cosmic coitus

A retro-futuristic tabloid-style illustration featuring a blonde woman in a silver space suit as the central figure, surrounded by shocked scientists in lab coats pointing and gesturing. The background depicts planets, spacecraft, and a holographic display with attractive people. The composition mimics vintage pulp magazine aesthetics with hot pink and cyan typography promoting absurd sci-fi narratives about 'porn portals' preventing planetary collapse. Extracted text: DAZED DIGITAL: PORN PORTALS PORTALS PREVENT PLANET COLLAPSE! COSMIC CONSUMPTION! SAUCY SATELLITES! AND... BRAINY BOZOS BAFFLED BY BEDROOM BEAT(UR)EM! EXPERTS EXPLODE! THEY HATE HER 'ORGASM OPTIMIZER' ORBIT