Tiger attack pivot to Jesus + Capri Sun revelation hits different

“One time I went to the beach, and a tiger jumped out of the water and attacked me. So many things were going through my mind, I was like a crazy person. But I became fixated on this microexpression that flashed across my girlfriend’s face. It seemed to say: ‘On the one hand, he’s adventurous. But on the other, do I really have what it takes to be married to a beach tiger attack victim?’ So I fucked that beach tiger up and found a new girlfriend in Christ. And ever since, that Capri Sun be hitting different.”