Chief Agoraphobe's tendie empire falls to ballpoint pens and policy

I grew up on the edge of the city. I’d witnessed so many shootouts by the age of 15 that I joined the North Patrol under Lieutenant Leon Satanbag. The pay wasn’t bad, but the tendies were ‘greasy.’ The greasiest tendies of all were those of Chief Disqualified Functionary Agoraphobe. He downed twelve tendies a day at Tendie Tavern (and who knows how many more back at home). But he was a good man. He worked twelve hour days to feed his enormous black market tendie fetish (or ‘appetites’ as he called it). But he was a good man. And when the officials of the Tendie Compliance Department tried to disrupt his way of life, he didn’t even blink. He just walked over, and disemboweled each one with a standard issue ballpoint pen. I was touched by his culture. And I was moved by the show of confidence. I was working for the man. But Satanbag was a staunch critic of the tendie fetishists. And in 1986 he launched the Two Tendie Policy Of The North Patrol And Allied Ambiguous Organizations-- driving the final nail in the coffin of the tendieculture-- and leaving Chief Disqualified Functionary Agoraphobe to make do with a pair of greasy tendies per day. The Chief flipped the fuck out on Satanbag. He popped him up. He number one rapped the shit out of him. And he bought Satanbag a set of chipped veneers on his way out of the history books. I honestly never really understood the appeal of the tendie. But I guess it’s like Chief used to say: ‘Get the fuck out of my office.’