The year we collectively started measuring celebrity bulges like stock portfolios

New York Magazine has weaponized a TikTok trend into a full-blown societal panic about dick size, complete with Obama hand gestures, Megyn Kelly micropenis accusations, and men injecting their genitals with filler. This is what happens when the discourse collapses: we've somehow reached peak absurdity where catching print on Renaissance paintings is a legitimate cultural phenomenon and Gen Z males are experiencing an existential crisis measured in centimeters.